by Gemma Hall,
The Heartbreak Recovery Coach
I use to be the Queen of passive aggressive digs! I avoided out right confrontation at all costs so my frustration or anger would show up in eye rolls, sarky comments or just a massive vent to friends.
Truth Bomb: it damaged my marriage.
As a Heartbreak Recovery Coach I work with women who want to save their marriage but just aren't sure where to start. They tell me one of two things; 1. they just keep arguing, or 2. they never argue but... Time and time again I see that healthy conflict is missing, and it can make a big difference in building trust and connection in a relationship.
Our arguing style is often learn from what is modelled to us as children. Conflict can spark a whirlwind of emotions—fear, anxiety, relief, and even excitement. Whilst many of us are raised to view arguments and disagreements as something negative, conflict can actually be a pathway to growth, understanding, and deeper relationships. So, how can arguing be beneficial? What does healthy conflict look like, and how can we learn to handle it positively?
The power of an eye roll
When we don't deal with the big stuff we start bickering over the every day stuff. By avoiding conflict we may find our relationship is facing death by a thousand cuts (or a thousand eye rolls).
But how do you even start? Conflict is normally reactive and in the moment when your emotions are heightened, and when you are on good terms you don't want to bring up the negative stuff and spoil the mood!
If you can switch your mindset and recognise that healthy conflict encourages open communication and promotes different viewpoints, you can start to see why it's a good thing to get ahead of it. When you recognise that varying perspectives (and truths) exist, you not only gain a clearer understanding of the issue but also of your partners needs.
The Characteristics of Healthy Conflict
Open Communication
At the heart of healthy conflict is the ability to communicate openly and honestly. This involves expressing your thoughts and feelings freely without fear of retaliation. Scary right?! But when you have the skills to manage a positive discussion, an argument can transforms. It takes conscious action and practice but you have the power to make it happen.
Respectful Disagreement
Respect is a key ingredient for healthy conflict. Even in disagreement, acknowledging the other person's right to their opinion is essential. For instance, if your partner deeply values their traditions, respecting that perspective can ease tensions and create a more constructive atmosphere for resolution.
Focus on Solutions
Communicate with curiosity, NOT to prove you are right! By staying above the detail, rather than getting bogged down in who is right or wrong, the focus shifts towards finding positive solutions. Instead of seeking to win a debate, the goal is to reach a compromise or better understand each other. So no more "Tell me when, give me an example" because, let's be honest that has never resolved anything.
Emotional Regulation
During arguments, emotions can reach a boiling point. Being able to manage your emotions—rather than letting them take control—will change the game in your communication. Healthy conflict allows for emotions to be expressed but doesn't allow them to dictate the conversation’s direction. This might mean having breaks or even safe words for when you feel thing escalating.
The Art of a Good Argument
Below are some of the skills you need to shift your conflict from all out war, to healthy progress.
Active Listening
Mastering healthy conflict begins with active listening. Engage with empathy, respond to understand (not disprove), and don't dismiss the other persons feelings, even if you don't agree with them.
Use “I” Statements
Instead of casting blame, “I” statements help express feelings while reducing the need for the other person to get defensiveness. For instance, you might say “I feel overwhelmed and like I don't have a voice,” instead of “You never listen to me.” This small shift can change the entire tone of the conversation.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Not every moment is suitable for resolving conflicts. Timing and location can significantly influence how discussions unfold. Choosing a calm, neutral space encourages more open and sincere dialogue. Agreeing together how and when you want to have difficult conversations would be helpful. Don't assume they would appreciate the same setting as you. For example, you might prefer to talk whilst out for dinner as you know the kids are in bed, but your partner might not feel comfortable having a personalise discussion in public. Agreeing how, where and when you have difficult conversations is the perfect starting point.
Reflect Before Responding
Taking a moment to reflect before responding can prevent immediate, emotional reactions. This pause allows for better emotional regulation and leads to more thoughtful replies. You can explain what your process "I just need a moment to process what you've told me, I don't want to misunderstand or overreact".
Embracing Constructive Conflict
The next time you find yourself in a disagreement, take a deep breath. It’s perfectly acceptable to express your concerns. Remember that a little conflict can serve as a valuable tool for understanding and connection. After all, saying “I’m fine” might just be a way of masking something deeper. If you can feel emotions are getting high try saying "This is a really important subject and I want to discuss this with you when we are both in a position to have a calm and open conversation. Let's talk about it once the kids are in bed over a glass of wine."
We all possess the ability to learn how to argue in ways that enrich both our lives and those around us. Let’s embrace conflict—not as a battle, but as an open discussion waiting to unfold.
So don't walk away (or just keep arguing)
Avoiding conflict feels easier in the moment, but the long term damage to the trust and connection within your relationship can be catastrophic.
As Brené Brown says "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome".
Now you maybe thinking, "This is all very well Gemma, but my other half just shouts and doesn't listen, there is no way they would be up for healthy conflict" and to you I say this: We can not control the behaviour of other people, but we can influence it, and taking responsibility for our own actions, behaviours and emotions is the first step.
If you'd like to master the art of arguing and lead the way in your relationship then book a discovery call with me today, we can have a quick, no pressure, chat about what you need and how I can help.
Important Note:
This blog post discusses healthy conflict within relationships. It is crucial to understand that healthy conflict is fundamentally different from domestic abuse. Domestic abuse includes patterns of controlling and coercive behaviour that aims to exert power over another person. It is never acceptable and is not a form of "conflict."
If you are experiencing or witnessing domestic abuse, please know that you are not alone and help is available. This blog post is not intended to address or provide guidance on domestic abuse situations.
For support and resources regarding domestic abuse, please contact Refuge on
Telephone: 0808 2000 247 24-hour national domestic abuse helpline
Your safety and well-being are paramount.
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