how to reconnect with yourself when you feel lost in your relationship

by Gemma Hall, The Relationship Coach

(who doesn't work with couples, but does work FOR them)

There’s a particular kind of loneliness that can happen in relationships that nobody really talks about enough.

Not the dramatic, movie-style heartbreak, the explosive arguments or somebody storming out while the rain conveniently pours outside the window.

The quieter kind.

You slowly stop recognising yourself. You say “I don’t mind”, “Whatever you want” or “It’s fine” so often that when somebody asks what you actually want, your brain genuinely freezes!

Many women searching for help with feeling lonely in a relationship assume the problem has to be “serious enough” before they’re allowed to struggle. But emotional disconnection, resentment and losing yourself inside a relationship can feel heartbreaking long before separation or divorce even enters the chat.

That quiet disconnection can feel incredibly lonely.

Last week I appeared on the Just for Today podcast with Steph Grainger, where we explored the grief that comes with heartbreak. This was such an important conversation, because so many women don’t just grieve the relationship, they grieve themselves too. They grieve for the future they thought they knew, the version of themselves that got lost along the way and the idea that being a "good" wife / mother still wasn't enough.

Because what I learnt from my own heartbreak is that grief is internal. It's not about the loss of someone, or something else. It's about the loss of you.

how women lose themselves when they are lost is a relationship

Most people think relationships break down because of “the big stuff”; affairs, betrayal, oscar worthy rows... and often they do, but I believe they are the symptoms of the break down. Not the root cause.

Often emotional disconnection happens quietly through tiny moments repeated over time. You stop bringing things up because you don’t want another argument. You stop asking for help because it feels easier to just do it yourself. You stop sharing your needs because you’re tired of feeling “too much” or being accused of nagging!

Without even realising it, you've stopped being honest. You’re managing moods, avoiding tension, carrying the mental load of the house and the emotional admin of the relationship.

Then one day somebody asks:“What do YOU want?”

And your internal response is:

“No idea, sleep? wine? a snack?”

You've spent so long making sure everyone else is happy and that you are on top of everything that you've actually forgotten what it's all for. You feel lost in your relationship.

why feeling lost in your relationship affects your sense of self

One of the saddest things about feeling lonely in a relationship is that people often blame themselves for feeling unhappy.

They tell themselves things like:“Maybe I’m asking for too much.”“Maybe this is just what relationships look like.”“Maybe I should just be grateful.” Whilst continuing to spin ALL the plates!

But some of those plates are made of glass, and some of them are made of plastic. It's ok to drop one, or put some down. Because feeling lonely in a relationship isn’t ok, and you deserve more than just "waiting" for it to get better. You deserve to feel connected to your partner, and, most importantly, connected with yourself and this life you are creating.

When your needs are permanently sat at the bottom of the pile, eventually you stop hearing them altogether.

the hidden grief of emotional disconnection and divorce

One of the hardest parts of heartbreak is realising how much of yourself disappeared while you were trying to make things work.

That grief is real. You can grieve the relationship, the future you imagined and the version of yourself that tolerated far less than she truly needed, and that doesn't makes you dramatic, it makes you human.

This is something I spoke about openly in my recent podcast conversation about the grief of divorce which you can listen to here. I share my own experience of divorce, things that surprised me and the way I made it through.

how to reconnect with yourself after heartbreak or disconnection

This is where understanding your values comes in. Not the fluffy “live laugh love” kind of values, but the things that genuinely matter to you as a human being. Honesty, affection, respect, peace, humour, growth, connection, independence, safety, fun...

Your values become your internal Sat Nav. Without them you've been in the car following someone else's directions and suddenly you wondered how you ended up here! But when you understand your values, you are able to program the Sat Nav to destination that YOU want to reach.

When you understand what matters to you, it becomes much easier to communicate clearly, set healthier boundaries (or any!) and recognise when something feels emotionally misaligned instead of just telling yourself to “put up with it”.

Many women have never properly asked themselves these questions before, they’ve spent so long being the peacemaker, the organiser, the emotional support human and the “easy-going” partner that they’ve completely lost connection with themselves in the process.

this is why I created the values reset exercise

The Values Reset exercise isn’t about convincing you to stay in a relationship or leave one.

It’s about helping you reset that Sat Nav and figure out where you actually want to go!

You are creating your own life right now. With every decision, conversation and boundary (or lack of them) you are building your life. So if you aren't happy with it, then it's up to you to do something different. We don't have a magic wand or a crystal ball, but what we do have is the chance to stop, reflect and think about where we are headed, because if we know what way we want to go, then we have a much better chance of getting there.

You can download the free Values Reset exercise here: Value Reset

And if this resonates deeply, you may find support through The Power of One my online programme designed to help you improve communication, reconnect with yourself and create healthier relationships without traditional couples counselling and all at your own pace.

Gem x